Walking through anti-theft detection devices at store entrances...

...makes me uncomfortable. Not that I'm ever stealing, but every time I walk through those scanners, I think my phone or my titanium leg or my camera or something else I don't understand will set off the alarm. Then, even though I'm not stealing, I'll have that unsure moment where I can't decide if I should:

A. Stop so they can search me and I can prove I'm not stealing.

or

B. Keep walking because I know I didn't steal anything--in which case I risk them chasing me down and tackling me.

Generally, the alarm does not go off. But now I think it can smell my fear and will assume it's fear based in guilt. Which it is not.

Unwanted or somewhat unwarranted praise...

...makes me uncomfortable. It happens from time to time at work, where I'm on a project and it does well, or something I wrote is well-received and I have to hear from ten different people how great it was. That's not false modesty. It really does make me uncomfortable. I'm just not sure how to respond. I don't mind knowing something I did is good, but there's normally a lot of other people involved. And sometimes that "good" thing is actually a piece of shit. I suppose it's better than being told I'm doing a crappy job.

The bottom line is that everything I do is golden. I'm so hot right now.

Telling the waiter that the wine tastes strange...

...makes me uncomfortable. Since we don't know with any certainty what the wine is supposed to taste like, how do we know it tastes strange. Sending anything back in a restaurant, no matter what it is, makes me uncomfortable. Once, my waitress brought me the wrong food and instead of sending it back, I just ate it. Turned out to be pretty good.

Doubling up someone to take a number two...

...makes me uncomfortable. Unless it's an absolute emergency, I'll walk out and leave a man to himself. If it is an emergency, I do my best to power through it. Freezing under pressure generally only occurs when someone doubles me up. The main problem is the noise. Couldn't we make it mandatory to have music playing in any bathroom with more than one stall? Congress is working on a law that will prohibit college football from using the term "national championship game" unless they go to a playoff-style system. Surely they could address the double-shitting problems that plague so many Americans.

Standing face to face with a crazy person on a crowded subway...

...makes me uncomfortable. I don't care how many pills you took to get this crazy, or where you found them, but thank you for sharing your story with me. The problem with being face to face is that you have to interact. The subway is crowded and you can't get away. It's a fine line. You have to make them feel like you're listening and that you understand, without seeming condescending. Laugh when they laugh, but don't laugh at them. Respond in short sentences and nod your head. Keep doing whatever you can do to keep happy crazy from turning into stab crazy. Whatever you do, don't ignore them. What, you can't hear me? You don't see me standing here talking to you? How about now? How about when I'm stabbing you? I bet you can hear me when I'm stabbing you.

Seeing someone get stabbed in the neck...

...makes me uncomfortable. Last night on Law & Order: SVU a guy got stabbed with scissors in the neck. He bled out and died. The scene made me feel pretty squeamish. For some reason, I felt compelled to rewind the scene and watch it again, which confirmed that it did indeed make me feel uncomfortable.

An alpha male...

...makes me uncomfortable. Anytime someone dominates a room, bullies people around, and generally asserts himself as the alpha male, I shut down. Does that mean I'm beta? The good news is, I've been observing the behavior of the alpha male, and I'm preparing to be one myself.

First, I plan to get bigger in physical size. This may involve putting lifts in my shoes. Then I'll dress in more expensive clothes and wear fancy shoes. And the most important thing is to always talk. Whether you have something to say or not. To do that, you must do the following:

Watch and memorize lines from every movie, ever.
Know a lot about music and possibly join a band.
Read magazines and newspapers, so you know a lot about what's happening.
Know anecdotes. About NASA. About the Roman empire. About insects in the woods. Etc.
Meet famous people, so you can talk about that.

That should just about make me Alpha.