Telling the waiter that the wine tastes strange...

...makes me uncomfortable. Since we don't know with any certainty what the wine is supposed to taste like, how do we know it tastes strange. Sending anything back in a restaurant, no matter what it is, makes me uncomfortable. Once, my waitress brought me the wrong food and instead of sending it back, I just ate it. Turned out to be pretty good.

Doubling up someone to take a number two...

...makes me uncomfortable. Unless it's an absolute emergency, I'll walk out and leave a man to himself. If it is an emergency, I do my best to power through it. Freezing under pressure generally only occurs when someone doubles me up. The main problem is the noise. Couldn't we make it mandatory to have music playing in any bathroom with more than one stall? Congress is working on a law that will prohibit college football from using the term "national championship game" unless they go to a playoff-style system. Surely they could address the double-shitting problems that plague so many Americans.

Standing face to face with a crazy person on a crowded subway...

...makes me uncomfortable. I don't care how many pills you took to get this crazy, or where you found them, but thank you for sharing your story with me. The problem with being face to face is that you have to interact. The subway is crowded and you can't get away. It's a fine line. You have to make them feel like you're listening and that you understand, without seeming condescending. Laugh when they laugh, but don't laugh at them. Respond in short sentences and nod your head. Keep doing whatever you can do to keep happy crazy from turning into stab crazy. Whatever you do, don't ignore them. What, you can't hear me? You don't see me standing here talking to you? How about now? How about when I'm stabbing you? I bet you can hear me when I'm stabbing you.

Seeing someone get stabbed in the neck...

...makes me uncomfortable. Last night on Law & Order: SVU a guy got stabbed with scissors in the neck. He bled out and died. The scene made me feel pretty squeamish. For some reason, I felt compelled to rewind the scene and watch it again, which confirmed that it did indeed make me feel uncomfortable.

An alpha male...

...makes me uncomfortable. Anytime someone dominates a room, bullies people around, and generally asserts himself as the alpha male, I shut down. Does that mean I'm beta? The good news is, I've been observing the behavior of the alpha male, and I'm preparing to be one myself.

First, I plan to get bigger in physical size. This may involve putting lifts in my shoes. Then I'll dress in more expensive clothes and wear fancy shoes. And the most important thing is to always talk. Whether you have something to say or not. To do that, you must do the following:

Watch and memorize lines from every movie, ever.
Know a lot about music and possibly join a band.
Read magazines and newspapers, so you know a lot about what's happening.
Know anecdotes. About NASA. About the Roman empire. About insects in the woods. Etc.
Meet famous people, so you can talk about that.

That should just about make me Alpha.

Talking to bouncers and seeing if I'm on a list...

...makes me uncomfortable. My default setting is "not on the list." So my natural instinct and desire is to wait in line with everyone else. This weekend, we went to some event and there was a pretty long line. My girlfriend insisted we go to the front and tell the bouncer we're on some sort of list. So I have to walk past all of these people, with what to me felt like a high probability of being sent back to the end of the line. To make matters worse, the bouncer has to send someone inside to check if there even is a list. At that point I'm actually saying aloud, "We're not on the list. We RSVP'ed, just like everyone else."

Turns out, there was a list. And just the knowledge of the existence of that list was enough to get us past the line. If I was in line, I would hate me. But I wasn't, so eat it line.

Office birthday parties...

...make me uncomfortable. Especially when they consist of standing around eating cake in uncomfortable silence. I try to avoid them at all costs, which is pretty easy since I don't love cake or uncomfortable silence. So if I don't come to your birthday cake event by the copy machine, have a great birthday anyways.

Trying on shoes...

...makes me uncomfortable. Only if someone has to go and get the shoes for me. I guess this probably stems from my aversion to talking to people I don't know, who only talk to me because it's their job. Also, I have small feet.

Writing "thank you" notes...

...makes me uncomfortable. It already says "thank you," which is basically all the note is for. Then there's all of this blank space, which I feel obligated to fill up with more words. The more I fill up, the more thankful I seem. Usually, I don't have that much to say about the thankfulness. From now on, I'm just going to tack a few words onto the "Thank You" printed on the card.


THANK YOU for letting me stay at your hose.
THANK YOU for dinner.
THANK YOU for letting me touch your privates.

Since I only send about two of these notes a year, it's not really a big deal. Still, uncomfortable.

Sitting at a table for two, between and very close to two other tables of two...

...makes me uncomfortable. You might as well be sitting at a table for six. I can hear everything they're saying, they can hear everything I'm saying, which makes me super aware of what I'm talking about. It also makes it hard for me to pay attention to whoever I'm with, since I'm listening to another conversation and thinking about how stupid that conversation is. Then I realize they're probably listening to me talk and thinking the same thing. Newsflash! Your restaurant is too small for the amount of tables you have!

Nitpicking terms of a standard legal agreement...

...makes me uncomfortable. We're renting someone's house for a vacation, and as he should, the owner has a 14 page legal document for us to sign and return before we can rent it. Generally, I don't even read these documents. I'm guessing they're pretty standard. As long as you use common sense and treat the property with respect, there won't be a problem. But when you have two lawyers traveling with you, they apparently want to read the agreement and make all sorts of legal comments about it, which I then have to talk to the owner about. I don't like being that guy. I wish I had blindly signed the document and returned it.

Elevator conversations...

...make me uncomfortable. I know I'm not alone here. Being stuck in that little box with someone I speak to only when stuck in that little box is one of the worst experiences. Better going up than down. When you go down, there's a chance you'll leave the building with that person and walk in the same direction, extending the conversation you never really wanted to have in the first place. There's one guy, who I know will try and talk to me about football every time we're in the elevator. Not because he loves football, but because it's his defense mechanism for the uncomfortable situation.


A less intense form of uncomfortable comes from listening to other people have elevator coversations. I'm thankful it's not me, but I'm uncomfortable just the same.

Trying to choose a restaurant with a group of people...

...makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be responsible for what someone else has to eat. And what if there's a long wait? Most of the time I don't even know what I want to eat until I'm eating it. So I generally don't care where we go.


It also makes me uncomfortable to go to a restaurant where there's a specific way to order and I don't really know it.

Talking to people about things I write...

...makes me uncomfortable. For instance, telling anyone about this blog or trying to promote it would make me feel like I'm a publicity hound. Look at me. So, while I do want people to read it, it would make me uncomfortable to try and make that happen.

When people make references to parts in movies that I've seen many times but can't remember...

...it makes me uncomfortable. It's not my fault I can't remember specific lines from movies. Or whole sections of movies that I've seen 10 times. But I feel like it is my fault. There's something wrong with my brain that keeps it from remembering details from books, movies, songs, and life in general. I know I went to college. The details are fuzzy. And I know that basic premise of The Three Amigos. I know who stars in it. I remember what the costumes look like and how they trick the bandits. But why would I save space in my mind to remember some part when the Three Amigos go to some singing bush? Furthermore, how would anyone remember the lyrics to the song that bush was singing?


Some people remember everything about everything. That's not me.

Anything involving the Jersey Shore...

...makes me uncomfortable. It started with MTV True Life, the Jersey Shore edition. Watching that made me feel like if I ever were to vacation at the Jersey Shore, it would be impossible for me to avoid getting in a fight. I've never been in a fight, but I have a lingering premonition there's a supreme asswhupping coming coming my way, and I'm pretty confident anyone who is large and drunk will want to give it to me.

This show will be a true exercise in viewing something that makes me uncomfortable:

Choosing A Standard Blog Template

Makes me uncomfortable. Which pre-designed, widely used, no personality at all template is the right one?